Twelve Things I Wish I Liked

This weekend we headed off to the fells and tried a version of geo-caching, called surprise child-caching.  It goes something like this; plan walk, look forward to walk and therapeutic nature of ‘the outdoors’, make lunch, park car, head off into remoteness, see not another single other person, at most remote point avoid conflict with child, do well but fail anyway, watch child stomp off into further remoteness, walk a bit, eat lunch, stroke horse, spend much time searching for child, find child, stupidly expect child to be sorry, give child lunch, watch child throw rocks at other child’s head, march to the car in a boil of silent rage, drive to supermarket, procure beer and aero, self-medicate.

Whilst Mr D and I were marching everyone back to the car we fended off temporary insanity by thinking of all the things we wished we liked, those things which give other people so much pleasure and which might brighten up our lives if only we, well, got any pleasure out of them.  This is not an entirely positive way to spend one’s time, but you have to understand we find our laughs where we can at the moment. Here are mine:

1  Autumn

Oh the autumn colours, the fruits, the walks amongst the crunching leaves, the bonfires.  Nope. It last about five minutes and it leads to something horrible – winter. Give me spring or summer any day.

2  Olives

The level of enjoyment olive-lovers get from consuming a small bowl of olives is only comparable to my consuming a sizeable aero or a share size bag of Walkers Sensations but is not followed by the self-loathing and false promises.

3  Strictly Come Dancing

I just don’t get it; the spangles, the cheesy grinning, the orange skin, the cover music, the dancing.  I wish I did. It would make Saturday evenings something to really look forward to.

4  Facebook

Before I went on to Facebook, all I ever heard about was everything exciting I was missing due to not being on Facebook.  I must have joined the wrong part of Facebook.

5  Scrabble

It makes me alternate between slipping into a coma and wanting to punch people.

6  M&S Food Hall

The reality is such a long way from the television adverts.

7 Baths

Great for about five minutes, then coolish and boring, or dizzyingly hot.

8  Dan Brown

I say Dan Brown, but what I really mean is many ‘International Bestsellers’ that lots of people rave about.  It makes reading for pure escapism difficult and accusations of literary snobbery fair.

9  Woolly Jumpers

So natural, so cosy, so on trend. SO ITCHY.

10  Religion

It’s just not for me, but sometimes I think it might be better than living in an universe of infinite meaningless and randomness.

11  Party Politics

To be able to pin ones colours to either blue, red, yellow or green would I imagine bring peace of mind and certainty. I like and dislike bits of them all.  It turns the simple act of buying newspaper into a complex decision-making process.  Deciding who to vote for gives me a migraine.

12 Running

There are many positives about running, but all are out-weighed by its overwhelming dullness.  The same routes over and over, the discomfort, the ‘miss a couple of runs and lose 50% of your fitness’?  No.  And do I want to hear all about your 5ks and your 10ks and your tapers and your carb-loading.  No I don’t. No one does.

To move towards positivity, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a more worthy and harmonious pursuit than all this dreadful negativity I shall be putting some thought into things which increase my general happiness and the general happiness of those around me.  I shall be preparing ‘The Venn Diagram of Happiness’ and we’ll see what if anything is in the middle.  We’ll also see if ‘tracking child through remote countryside’ appears anywhere at all.